Sam Winchester's Hell
by sandymg
Summary: Post "No Rest for the Wicked" 3X16 . Sam buries his brother Dean. Sam POV. Bobby helps.


**I've become rapidly obessed with this little show called _Supernatural_. From viewing to writing. This is my first fanfiction so be gentle. No beta so all errors are mine. Comments are welcome!**

**Spoilers: Everything up to and including 3.16 _No Rest for the Wicked_**

**Summary: A short one-shot post _No Rest for the Wick_ed of Sam burying his brother. POV Sam. Bobby is there, too.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. This particular sandbox belongs to the very lucky CW and Mr. Kripke -- who'd best treat them well.**

**A/N: Coarse language warning.**

**Sam Winchester's Hell**

The dirt turns over easier than he expected in the cool dawn air. Too easy, when he wishes it would be harder. _Shouldn't this be hard? Damn hard? Fucking impossible? _But no, it fluffs up under his shovel like it was freshly fallen snow.

Sam looks a second at Bobby, sees him lift easy scoop after next, up and out. He turns his eyes to the wrapped body outside the grave. _So_ s_till_. Another impossibility. Dean didn't do still. Even in sleep he twitched and moaned and God knows what, all those nights melting into each other, a fondue of sleazy rooms and hard beds.

He moves his muscles instinctively -- heaves, lifts, tosses, repeat. Dirt spraying back into him in feathery puffs. _Soft. Why soft? Should be hard. Should hurt._

They do this because they have to, because it's what one does. He thinks of all those lucky people who are clueless. Back to the earth. Ashes to fucking ashes. But no, he gets to know. _How special. How damned lucky. No fucking mystery spot here, no siree. His brother is rotting in Hell. Guaranteed, one-way ticket and all that._

"Sam? You okay?" a gruff voice calls out.

He'd stopped shoveling. This happened a lot. Stopping. Staring at the hour hand as it froze on the twelve every sorry night. _God, Dean. I'm sorry. So sorry_. And his brother just stopped. Turned the switch to the off position, frozen eyes, frozen bones, frozen grin. _Bet they're warming up good now, eh?_ Then it started in double time. Ruby and Lilith and the hell hounds. Dean screams like nothing he ever heard before. Nothing he could hear again. Nothing he won't hear forever. With the only thing worse being the silence. If only he'd known, learned sooner. _Not too late._

"Sam. 'S deep enough," Bobby says.

Time starts again. _This is it_. _Do this and there'll be nothing left of Dean_. His brother was always the keeper. Sam knew about the box with the report cards and medals and half-assed craft projects from Camp Swimaway where they spent two weeks one summer a lifetime ago. Once when he was being particularly bitchy he'd yelled at Dean, "Why the fuck do you keep this junk?"

Dean never replied, face snapped close as he shoved the box further to the back of the Impala's trunk and proceeded to gather the weapons they'd need. Sam had never spoken of it again. Never acknowledged that every single item in the box had belonged to Sam and only Sam. So he didn't have anything. Not one fucking thing outside of weapons and clothes and a car that belonged to his brother. Nothing that _was_ his brother. _What's that say? Still think I'm the one that deserved to live?_

A few more minutes, he thinks for the millionth time. Because he had the power but didn't know. And maybe if he'd used it, harnessed it, controlled it better. Been stronger. Not weak. Dean was afraid, had told him so. That's when he'd promised to save him. Be smart enough. Strong enough. Not afraid.

Sam wanted to feel safe for as long as he could remember. He ripped his brother's heart out just to feel safe. Because when you didn't feel safe you were afraid. All the fucking time.

Bobby has picked up Dean by the shoulders and is waiting for Sam. Eyes dry -- _there aren't any more tears_ -- Sam walks over to Dean's legs and lifts gently. He stands there a moment and then puts them back down carefully.

"Why Bobby?" he asks expecting no answer.

Setting Dean down as well, Bobby waits silently. Patiently.

_So unnecessary. Such a waste. Should be him in the ground. Would have been if Dean hadn't … Dean. In Hell_. If it wasn't so fucking tragic it would be funny. The irony moves up his throat till he gags on the bitterness. He knows the demon blood running through his veins is his ticket down. That's why the demons wouldn't deal with him. No point. Besides they got what they wanted. The pure blood Winchester whose only fault was that he was a blind fucking idiot.

He knows he's crying because Bobby's hand pats his shoulder once briskly. "Let's get this done, Sam," he says.

_Sam. Sam._ The last words out of his brother's mouth were his name. He heard them whether aloud or not. He hears them now. _Sam. Sam_. The worst kind of reminder. _You promised you weak, lying, impotent piece of shit failure. You promised._

He lifts his brother's legs and together he and Bobby place Dean gently in the ground. The last, the only, family in his life. The fucking waste of it all. And just to bring him back. _Idiot. Goddamn weak idiot. Shoulda let me be dead Dean. Pussy. Weak pussy_. _Couldn't save him. Wasn't strong enough_.

Demon power in his veins. _Freak_. And Dean's in Hell? So, so wrong.

"It's wrong," he says brokenly.

"I know," Bobby says.

Lilith's face. From triumph to shock to fear. If only he'd known a little earlier. Maybe… He didn't know what would happen when he killed her now. Oh, and he'd kill her. _Kill that motherfucking bitch so dead there wasn't a void dark enough to contain her_. He would live to free Dean. It was all the life he had left.

After Lilith vanished, his brother's blood soaking into his chest as he held him, he'd wished he could absorb that blood into himself. Pure, good blood. _Dean's blood. Dean's life._ He'd held his gun tight against his chin and prayed, fucking prayed, for the strength to do it. _Not that he deserved it. Death was too good for the worthless, heap of shit that couldn't save the one thing that meant anything in his useless demon infested life._

They started to shovel the soft dirt onto Dean. Bobby mostly. Sam tried but his arms wouldn't cooperate. Eyes glassy he watched the last thing he had of Dean disappear into the earth. _And why the fuck was that? Why hadn't he thought to also keep something for the millions of times Dean had been mother and father and scared little boy lying alone in the goddamn ground?_

"Sam? Sam?!" Bobby's voice rang out as Sam jumped into the grave and began sweeping away the dirt that had fallen on his brother's chest. Frantic digging that had the older man alarmed.

Pulling frantically, ripping at the shroud they'd fashioned from bed sheets. Until. There. Blackened with time lying as ever against his brother's too still chest.

"He never took it off Bobby," he said turning his face up to the other man. "Never."

He watched the old hunter swipe the tears trailing down his face. Composing himself Bobby replied. "He'd want you to have it, son."

_Would he? Fucking lying failure who didn't keep his promise? Who didn't save his brother? Wasn't strong enough to stop it. That would change. He would change. May God have mercy on what was left of his sorry soul_. He pulled the amulet from around Dean's neck, the open lace trailing behind like it knew it was being taken from its rightful place. In the grave, with his brother, he slowly tied it behind his neck, unaccustomed to its heft against his chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispered down before climbing back out.

Before drowning in alcohol and power and rage. Before his soul was also ripped to Hell.


End file.
